Although I’m a doctor, I’m not a doctor; that is, I have a PhD, not an MD. Despite that, having attended the University of Hasbro in my youth, I know a lot about operations. So, when I had to have surgery for a hernia a few weeks ago I thought I knew exactly what to expect. However, I was quite surprised to find out that things are different from how I learned them! They have this new procedure called laparoscopic surgery. This is where they cut a small hole in your belly — you’d think they could just use your belly button — and stick a scope down into your lap. Then the doctor watches TV to figure out what to do.
To make room for all of the machinery they need to stick down the small hole, they first blow your belly up with carbon dioxide! They put so much in that you look 6 or 7 months pregnant and, for a day or two after surgery, you can drink water and flavoring and create carbonated drinks in situ! It’s really rather amazing.
I had some concerns about the procedure. It seems like it would be much easier to use the Hasbro method where you open up the patient and yank out the troublesome organ with a forceps. After all, if the patient is not opened up, isn’t it harder to do the work without touching the wrong thing and making the buzzer go off? And, what if the doctor gets the wrong channel on the TV? What if Emeril Lagasse is making ribs and he decides to kick it up a notch? Bam!
The nice thing about my operation is that, since I didn’t have to do anything, they let me go to sleep. Before I knew what was happening I was awake in the recovery room. I didn’t have any dreams. That was probably a good thing. The surgeon was a young attractive woman; who knows what I might have dreamt. Because I was asleep I didn’t hear if she made the buzzer go off. Since I’m here typing this I guess I can assume that it didn’t.
A few days later I had a nice visit from some of my relatives. We had good food, good conversation, and I mostly sat around! Sounds like things are back to normal.
